Song of Myself

Advent Conspiracy

Jesse — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 07:16:46 +0000

Please check out this video.

Quicksand.

Jesse — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:30:59 +0000

It is 2:30am and I can’t sleep.
It could be the energy drink & can of Mountain Dew I just had.
But I don’t think so…
I think it is because I’m not okay.
I heart feels so heavy, that sometimes I expect to find it in my shoe.
I feel so weighted down with worry, guilt, fear, responsibility, doubt, and more worry.

I feel like I am trapped in quicksand, and I can’t get out.
There is a scene in the movie “The Replacements” starring Gene Hackman and Keanu Reeves where the football team is in the locker room and Gene Hackman (Coach Jimmy McGinty) asks the team about their greatest fears…

“A real man admits his fears. That’s what I’m asking you to do here tonight. Fears… lets talk about them. “

After hearing all the silly things like peoples fear of spiders and what-not, Keanu Reeves speaks up and says “Quicksand.”
When asked to explain he says, “You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand.”

Quicksand. That is how I feel tonight. Like I am stuck and nothing I do can bring me back alive, can fix my hurt and pain, can make me good and right again. I feel like the weight of the world (I know – a little dramatic, huh?) is on my shoulders, and I can’t hack it – that I am no good. I have lots to do, and I feel like over and over, I keep dropping the ball, and over and over I look for something else to keep myself distracted with, to keep me busy so I don’t remember how bad I am at this whole “life” thing at times. Friend. Student. Son. Brother. Leader. Follower. Up. Down. Left. Right. It seems like no matter what, I feel stuck right now – Quicksand…
The funny thing about quicksand is, the more you fight, the worse off you are…

I know this is all a bit dramatic, but I feel a little relief letting things go, even if it is just through the tips of my fingers and onto a screen. The sad part is, I know there is more to “relief” that just venting to someone, somebody. I know that there is One who longs to carry my burdens for me, to give me rest and in whom I can find peace and wholeness. To force myself to let go of this feeling of helplessness and accept the grace, love, kindness, compassion and understanding that is our Lord, Jesus Christ.

———————————————————————————————

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you andlearn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” – Jesus (Matt. 11:28-30)

Mr. Fix-It

Jesse — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 16:37:40 +0000

Weird. What am I doing writing again for a second time in three days?

So last night I was reading “Searching For God Knows What” by Donald Miller – his books always trick me. They make me forget that I am reading a book, and sometimes I think that I am just having a conversation with him, maybe over a cup of coffee or some tea. I know, it may sound wierd – but the way he writes… well to be honest, I think sometimes he has no idea what he is saying, just talking and I like it. I reminds me of myself having a conversation with… myself.

As I was reading last night, I read something that hit me… I know that I’m not perfect. I know that I could always be happier or better or learn more or do more or give more – you get the picture. I know that there is more, and because there is more, then I am always looking for it, searching for it, willing to do more in order to find it.

In Don Miller’s book, there was something that caught my eye. He was talking about people wish that they could “wave a wand, and make things happen” and our desire to change – to change what we have to what we want, who we are to who we want to be, where we are to where we wish we were.

—————————————————-

“I call it, ‘Clawing for Eden.’ But the Bible says Eden is gone, and as much as we want to believe we can fix our lives in about as many steps as it takes to make a peanut-butter sandwich, I don’t believe we can.” – Don Miller

Alive.

Jesse — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 02:42:13 +0000

It’s Thursday night – no class tomorrow
My weekend is here.
And I feel alive.

That may sound like a strange thing to say, but I’m not so sure I have felt alive in quite some time. Right now I am just hanging out at a coffee shop, listening to some wierd acoustic music that I can’t understand a single word of, drinking a cup of nice, black coffee – you know the kind that tastes like finely ground dirt… yep. Just the way I like it. So stout that you throw a horseshoe in the pot and when it stands up straight, you know it’s ready.

It’s been so long since I have left campus, just to get away. Its been so long since I have taken a breath, and the air feels so fresh and I feel like tonight, when my head hits the pillow, I will sleep and sleep well. Weird music, coffee, thinking, with lots of big books stacked around me on the table. I feel like… me.

I’m not sure why tonight is so different – but it was sure needed. I haven’t accomplished much, but it has been an excellent end to a pretty good day. Tonight I can wear a smile on my face and I know that God gave me tonight, to remember that I am alive… to remember how much I can enjoy life when I quit trying to catch up with it.

Just live it, Jesse.

Just live it.

Lover.

Jesse — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 01:03:10 +0000

So I was listening to this song – “Lover” by Derek Webb, and I was just blown away once again by what it means… blown away by what exactly it was that Jesus Christ did when He died on the cross and what our role is in this whole story – why we even matter. Why?
Because of love. He did it all because He loved us – that much.

Like a man comes to an altar,
I came into this town,
With the world upon My shoulders
And promises passed down.
When I went into the water,
My Father, He was pleased.
I built it and I’ll tear it down
So you will be set free.

Yes, and I found thieves and salesmen
Living in My Father’s house.
And I know how they got in here,
And I know how to get ‘em out.
Well, I’m turning this place over
From floor to balcony.
Then, just like these doves and sheep
Oh, you will be set free.

‘Cause I have always been a lover
From before I drew a breath
Oh, and somethings I love easy
And some I love to death.
You see, love’s no politician
‘Cause it listens carefully
So from those who come,
I can’t lose one,
So you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Go on and take My picture
Go on and make Me up
Oh, I’ll still be your Defender
And you’ll be My missing son
And I’ll send out an army
Just to bring you back to Me.
‘Cause regardless of your brothers’ lies,
Oh, you will be set free.

Because I am My beloved’s
And My beloved’s Mine;
So, you bring all your history,
I’ll bring the bread and wine.
Then we’ll have us a party
Where all the drinks are on Me
And as surely as the rising sun
Oh, you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Crossroads

Jesse — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 03:18:54 +0000

“This generation is waiting for a challenge that will demand their all.
They are waiting to find something to pour their lives into -
something to sink their teeth into. They have become disillusioned
with both the secular world and the Christian world. It is time to call
them to give their lives away for a cause greater than themselves.” - Ron Luce

This matters. Today matters. My life matters. Too long have I just lived day to day, waiting on the future, waiting on graduation, waiting for the day when I get married, settle down, and have a family.
Too long have I put my hope in just another day.
I am tired of it.
I am tired of waking up in the morning and just waiting for that day to end so the next will begin.
I’m sick of not making a difference.

Am I ready to stop playing mediocre Christian?
Am I ready to decide to live radically – pursuing God’s purpose and will for my life?

C.S. Lewis once said “Christianity, if false is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. One thing it cannot be is of moderate importance.” I am sick of living in the gray, shadowy areas of life. I am sick of not picking a side – of not taking a stand.

If I am not taking a stand FOR God or taking a stand AGAINST God, then in the battle between good and evil, I am just in the way. I am sick of being in the way… I want to do something – I want to love. I want to love so much that I can stick out, that I can actually be like the light in a dark world that we are called to be. I am sick of sitting back and letting other people love when it gets hard, of letting other people pick up my slack. I have had my chance, I have taken my rest – now it is time to matter. I know it is time to choose...

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
-Robert Frost

Hercules Glades

Jesse — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 06:22:51 +0000

Here are a few pictures from when Logan and I went hiking in Hercules Glades Wilderness.

Help is on the way…

Jesse — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:55:40 +0000

Last weekend, Logan and I took a couple days to go backpacking in Hercules Glades Wilderness. I thought it would solve everything. I thought that I just needed to get away – to relax. I realized that it was not just a matter of getting away. I was unsatisfied because something was missing. Something important.

It’s been a rough week. School is taking a lot out of me and I feel spread so thin. I just want to relax, but I can’t. I feel like I can’t keep up with all the places I have to be, let alone all the things I have to do.

But today God answered a prayer.
Something has been missing, but God brought it to my doorstep.

Between Habitat for Humanity stuff on campus, school and classes, work, dorm stuff and the reading, out-of-class meetings and daily “stuff” that makes up life as a student, I have felt run down.
Tonight, I found myself sitting with a group of guys, spilling my guts in ways that never cease to amaze me, and always end with me feeling like a new man.
In my selfishness- in my desire for more time to myself, I took a few minutes and gave them to a couple other guys, and the rewards I got in return far outweigh the cost.

COMMUNITY.
We need it. We desire it. We can’t live without it.
TRUTH.
Time does not heal. Truth does.
LOVE.
Love covers a multitude of sins, and lots of stepped-on toes.

God teaches me the most when I stop looking. He gives me the most when I stop thinking I deserve it.
When I let go, He always reminds me that He was in control all along – even when I thought that I was in it alone.

Freedom.

Jesse — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:43:48 +0000

I feel fake. I feel like I do these things and Im not sure why.
Im deleting my facebook tonight.
I have decided that not only do I waste entirely too much time on it, but it keeps me from spending real time with the real people who really mean a lot to me. I sit in front of this screen and spend time ‘playing’ friend to more people than I can remember. I looked at my friends the other day and realized that I couldn’t remember half of them, let alone where they were from or how I met them. Im tired of pretending to have so many friends. I am tired of pretending.
I am just Jesse, and over the last few years I’ve only begun to see what that means.
I define who I am.
I choose what I say and do.
I.
Me.
Not them. Not the world.
Just me.
I know this may not change anything – it may not give me more time, or make me a better person, but it makes me feel free and that is all I want.

FREEDOM.

On the edge.

Jesse — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 12:05:17 +0000

It’s been a long summer.
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote anything.
I’ve come to realize that I am standing on the edge of something big.
Something bigger than myself.

I have realized how thankful I am for the friends that God has put in my life. The friends who challenge me, and who aren’t afraid of stepping on my toes or asking me hard questions and making me think. Friends who make me draw back into myself and friends who bring out the real me.
God has a funny way of working these things out.

Last night in talking with Caleb, I realized that those friends are the ones who have helped make me into who I am, the people who have made it possible for me to be there for others, and who taught me so much about truth, friendship, life, and God.

As I realize that my life is my own work of art, or rather God’s work of art entrusted to me, I realize that I decide what happens next – kind of…

Do I follow, or do I lead?
Do I do just what you do, or do I blaze my own trail?

The American dream is boring, pointless and unfulfilling. I want to be a stranger. I want to be a mystery that those who don’t take the time to know me could never explain. I want to be weird and intriguing and exciting and dangerous. I want to be like Jesus.

God brought me to this place. God put me at SBU and through an extraordinarily painful and trying series of events He has kept me here and brought me to a place of peace, joy, love and forgiveness.

My eyes are being opened, and like looking into the sun, they sting and they water, but someday I hope that they will adjust, and I will see what lies ahead of me – what God has in store for me.

“Sometimes the object of the journey is not the end, but the journey itself.”